Fair Fighting Rules

Fighting Better Rather Than Fighting Less…

As a couples therapist, one of the most common issues I see is the unresolved conflict between partners.

Many clients come to me feeling ashamed that they argue with their significant other, believing that fighting is a sign the relationship is doomed. However, conflict itself is natural and even necessary in relationships - as long as it is handled constructively.

More often than not, the problem lies not in arguing, but in how partners communicate when fighting. Repeating the same arguments without resolution is exhausting and damaging to any relationship. My goal in therapy is to teach clients strategies for effective conflict that lead to understanding, not further conflict.

Central to this is establishing "fair fighting rules": guidelines for respectful communication that get to the root of issues instead of attacking the other person. When both individuals feel heard and addressed with care, disagreements can bring them closer together rather than push them apart.

In this blog post, I will outline some of the Fair Fighting Rules that I use extensively in couples counseling. It is my hope that by sharing them, more relationships will be strengthened through healthy conflict instead of deteriorated by it.

Setting the Stage: Fighting is Normal

Some of the most concerning cases I see are those where partners seem to have given up fighting altogether. On the surface, it may seem like a relationship without arguments has found harmony. However, in my experience, a complete lack of conflict often signals that one or both individuals have checked out emotionally.

While avoiding conflict might seem easier, research shows it's an unhealthy sign for any bond. Some level of disagreement is natural and even necessary in any relationship.

We often idealize relationships as constant harmony, but research has found over two-thirds of couple issues arise from "perpetual problems" - differences that can't truly be resolved like differences in personalities, financial or parenting styles.

For example, an extroverted individual who gains energy from socializing may experience frustration with an introverted partner's preference for low-key evenings at home. The extrovert could feel isolated, while homebody activities leave the introvert feeling recharged.

What I’m trying to say is: fighting is normal.

Fights are bound to happen, but happy couples learn how to go through fights in a fair and respectful way.

What Can Spark Conflict in a Relationship?

Relationships can be tricky, and it’s natural for conflicts to arise. Since every person has unique experiences and expectations, when two people come together, disagreements are almost inevitable. As already mentioned, almost 60-70% of couple issues arise from "perpetual problems" - differences that can't truly be resolved. Yet, serious problems may face couples leading to heated fights. Here’s a closer look at some of such triggers:

• Control Issues
  • One partner might want to have a say in every decision, from what to eat for dinner to how money is spent, which can lead to resentment. For example, if one partner insists on managing all finances without input, the other may feel powerless or undervalued.

• Trust Issues
  • Trust is the foundation of any healthy relationship. If one partner is overly suspicious or jealous, this can create tension and/or insecurity. Imagine a situation where a partner is constantly checking the other’s phone or questioning their whereabouts, leading to feelings of suffocation.

• Commitment Issues
  • Fear of commitment or differing views on the future can create friction. For example, one partner may be eager to settle down and start a family, while the other prefers to keep things casual, causing a rift.

• Infidelity
  • Cheating or even the suspicion of it can shatter trust and lead to intense conflict. The betrayal felt in such situations can be incredibly difficult to overcome, often leading to heated arguments and broken bonds.

• Individual History of Trauma
  • Personal experiences, such as past abuse or neglect, can affect how someone responds in a relationship. For instance, a person who has experienced trauma might have difficulties with intimacy or communication, leading to misunderstandings and clashes.

Unhealthy Forms of Fighting

Unfortunately, some ways of fighting can be destructive, leading to more harm than good. Here’s a look at some examples.

• Ignoring the Problem
  • Pretending an issue doesn’t exist won’t make it go away. For instance, if one partner is upset about a lack of communication, ignoring their feelings only builds more tension.

• Personal Attacks
  • Turning disagreements into personal assaults, like insulting your partner's intelligence or appearance, can cause deep emotional wounds. Instead of saying, "you're so selfish", try expressing how the behavior makes you feel.

• Blaming
  • Pointing fingers can escalate conflict. For example, saying, "This is all your fault", shifts responsibility instead of finding a solution together. Focus on the issue, not who’s to blame.

• Criticizing
  • Constantly pointing out flaws can make the other person feel attacked. For instance, "You never listen to me", can be rephrased as, "I feel unheard when you don’t respond".

• Name-Calling
  • Resorting to hurtful names can break down trust. Instead of calling someone “lazy”, talk about how their behavior affects you.

• Defensiveness
  • Getting defensive can shut down communication. If a partner brings up a concern, immediately jumping to defend yourself might prevent understanding. Practice active listening instead.

• Bringing Up Past Issues
  • Digging up old arguments can reignite old wounds. Stick to the current issue rather than revisiting past mistakes.

• Showing Contempt
  • Rolling your eyes, mocking, or showing outright disdain for your partner is a clear sign of contempt, which can be deeply damaging. Instead, try to approach disagreements with empathy and understanding.

Rules for Fighting Fair

Fair fighting rules can be viewed as a set of principles designed to help individuals handle conflicts in a constructive way.

These rules ensure that disagreements are managed fairly and focus on reaching a resolution, preventing interactions from becoming harmful, destructive, or even violent.

Without further delay, here are some rules for fair fighting:

Pause and Examine Your Feelings

Before starting the discussion, take a moment to think about what’s really bothering you. Are you upset by a minor issue, such as forgetting to take out the trash, or is it part of a broader concern, like feeling your partner isn’t sharing responsibilities equally? Determining the true source of your frustration will help you address the real issue more effectively.

Focus on One Topic at a Time

When arguing, try to zero in on just one issue. It’s easy for conversations to spiral into multiple complaints, which can be overwhelming. For example, discussing “spending more quality time” should stay separate from other concerns like “family dynamics.” Addressing one issue helps keep the conversation clear and constructive.

Distinguish Between Thoughts and Feelings

We often mix up thoughts and emotions in conversations. Phrases like “I feel you don’t care” are actually expressing thoughts, not feelings. Recognize that these thoughts lead to emotions like frustration or hurt. By separating what you think from how you feel, you can communicate more effectively and avoid escalating the disagreement.

Address Behaviors, Not Personal Traits

Instead of saying something hurtful like “You’re so messy”, focus on the specific behavior, such as “the toilet seat was left up again”. Personal attacks only add fuel to the fire and distract from solving the actual issue.

Practice Turn-Taking

Ensure each person has a chance to speak without interruption. Allowing the other person to finish their thoughts before you respond helps maintain a balanced and respectful discussion. If needed, use a timer to keep track of speaking times.

Listen Actively

When it’s not your turn to speak, concentrate on genuinely understanding the other person’s point of view. Resist the urge to think of a response while they’re talking. Active listening can pave the way for more effective problem-solving. And always remember, listen to understand not to respond!

Avoid Withdrawing

Shutting down or refusing to engage only makes problems worse. Facing issues head-on, even when it’s tough, is crucial for finding solutions and moving forward.

Keep Your Voice Calm

Avoid raising your voice during disagreements. Staying calm helps prevent the situation from escalating and promotes a more productive conversation.

Aim for a Win-Win Solution

In conflicts, finding a perfect solution is rare. Aim to reach a compromise where both sides make some concessions. If a compromise isn’t possible, achieving a better understanding is still a positive outcome.

Take a Timeout if Needed

If the conversation gets too heated, suggest a short break. A brief pause can help everyone cool down and reflect before returning to address the issue.

Share Your Needs, Expectations, Hopes, and Goals

Be transparent about what you need in the relationship, your expectations, and your future aspirations (such as your plans for living arrangements, travel, family, career, finances, and retirement). Aligning on these aspects can help prevent misunderstandings and reduce the chances of future conflicts.

Avoid Making Assumptions

It’s easy to make assumptions about what someone else is thinking or feeling based on your own experiences and beliefs. Instead of guessing or trying to read minds, ask the other person directly about their thoughts, concerns, and needs. This approach can help prevent frustration and misunderstandings.

Let Go After Resolving Issues

Once a problem has been resolved, try not to dwell on it. Moving past the issue helps both of you focus on your relationship's future goals.

Communicate Clearly

Use clear, “I” statements to express your emotions. For example, say “I feel hurt when you don’t return my phone calls” or “I feel scared when you raise your voice.” This approach helps you share how you feel while taking responsibility for your emotions.

Don’t Play the Blame Game!

Statements like “If you hadn’t done that, I wouldn’t have reacted this way” might offer temporary relief but don’t promote healthy communication. Instead, focus on owning your actions and their impact.

Steer Clear of Generalizations and Exaggerations

Avoid using absolute terms like “always” or “never.” Phrases such as “You ALWAYS do this” or “You NEVER do that” often lead to defensiveness and undermine your argument.

The “DO’S AND DON’TS” of Fighting Fair: Checklist by Mentalyc

A. Do:

Address What’s Happening Right Now Focus on the issue at hand rather than dragging up old grievances. This keeps the conversation relevant and prevents it from becoming a mix of unrelated complaints.

Take Responsibility for Your Emotions Use “I” statements like “I feel frustrated when...” to express your feelings. This approach helps you own your emotions and communicate more effectively without placing blame.

Be Open and Honest Share your true feelings and what you need from the discussion. Clear communication helps both partners understand each other better and work towards a solution.

Listen Actively Really tune in to what the other person is saying. Confirm their perspective and make sure you’re both on the same page to avoid misunderstandings.

Give Each Other Equal Opportunity to Speak Make sure both sides have a chance to express their thoughts and feelings.

Focus on the Issue, Not the Person Address the specific problem rather than attacking your partner. Avoid personal insults, as they can escalate conflicts and undermine trust.

Take a Breather When Needed If emotions are running high, take a moment to paraphrase what you’ve heard and ask for a short break if necessary. This gives you time to gather your thoughts and respond more calmly.

Aim for Solutions, Not Just Venting Work towards finding a resolution rather than just airing grievances. Strive for solutions that benefit both of you and strengthen your relationship.

Stick to One Issue at a Time Avoid “kitchen sinking” by addressing only one problem per discussion. Tackling multiple issues at once can overwhelm and confuse the conversation.

Keep Discussions Short and Focused Limit your conversations to about 30 minutes. Extended discussions can lead to frustration and reduce the effectiveness of communication.

Act as Partners, Not Adversaries Avoid power plays and remember you’re both on the same team. Collaborate and support each other in finding solutions.

Speak Calmly If you have a tendency to raise your voice, try speaking softly. A calm tone can help keep the conversation constructive.

Ask Clarifying Questions Frame questions to understand rather than to judge. Avoid starting questions with “why,” which can put the other person on the defensive.

B. DON’T:

Don’t Rehash the Past Avoid bringing up previous issues. Focus on the current problem to keep the discussion productive and relevant.

Don’t Blame Use “I” statements instead of “you” statements to avoid blaming and making your partner defensive.

Don’t Make Comparisons Refrain from comparing your partner to others or making sweeping generalizations. This can lead to unnecessary conflict.

Don’t Play Games Be direct and honest about your feelings and needs. Avoid manipulative behaviors like giving the silent treatment or playing the victim.

Don’t Involve Third Parties Keep the focus on the two of you. External opinions are less relevant than your own perspectives and experiences.

Don’t Seek to Win Focusing on winning an argument can turn it into a contest rather than a conversation. Aim for resolution and understanding instead.

Don’t Use Absolutes Avoid phrases like “always” or “never” as they can exaggerate the issue and make the other person defensive.

Don’t Interrupt Allow your partner to finish speaking before you respond. Avoid negative non-verbal cues like rolling your eyes or smirking.

Don’t Save Up Issues Address feelings and concerns as they arise. Accumulating grievances only leads to larger outbursts.

Don’t Yell Keep your voice calm and steady. Yelling can escalate tensions and hinder resolution.

Don’t Threaten Relationship Breakups Avoid using threats of separation as leverage. It undermines trust and creates unnecessary anxiety.

Don’t Assume or Guess Seek clarity rather than making assumptions about what your partner means. Communicate openly to avoid misunderstandings.

Don’t Expect Mind Reading Be clear about your thoughts and feelings instead of expecting your partner to intuitively understand them.

Don’t Belittle Achievements Respect and acknowledge each other’s accomplishments, no matter how small they may seem.

Don’t Fear Apologizing If you’re wrong, apologize. It shows maturity and a willingness to mend the relationship.

Conclusion

Think of fair fighting as a way to turn conflicts into stepping stones for a stronger relationship. When you focus on the present issue, take responsibility for your own feelings, and listen with empathy, you create a foundation for understanding and growth. Remember, the goal isn’t to “win” an argument but to collaborate and find solutions together.

If you’re struggling to apply these principles or need extra support, don’t hesitate to reach out. At Mentalyc, we’re here to help you whenever you want.